I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
