can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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