mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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