i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
