Pregnant stripper...not hot.
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
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