I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
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