Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
