...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
