my soul wont recognize me after tonight
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
