It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
