I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Randomize
