I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
