You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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