so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
We need a shit load of segways right now
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
Randomize
