god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Randomize
