after a month anything with tits is on the radar
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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