It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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