Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
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