complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
