Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
