Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Randomize
