ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
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