Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
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