At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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