put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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