6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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