FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
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You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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