Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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