I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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