after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Randomize
