just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
I want her autograph on my taint
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Randomize
