Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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