I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
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