I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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