You smell like stripper and shame
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
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