smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
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