i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Randomize
