I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
Randomize
