He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
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I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
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You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
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