i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
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