you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
