he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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