I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
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