Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
I think i got beer on your cat.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
