just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
you win again, gameday.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Randomize
