I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
