You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
