wrigley field is MILF paradise
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
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