I accidentally had phone sex last night
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Randomize
