Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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