Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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