Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Threesome in a minivan. New low
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Randomize
