a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Randomize
