you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
how do flat chested girls get laid?
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
