So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
