How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
