therell be strippers and coke right?
no strippers. just coke.
i hate this fuckin recession
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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