dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Randomize
