I could make wine with my vomit
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Randomize
