I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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