I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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